I'm not officially Catholic--or likely to become so--although as I told my husband the other day, I think I am genetically. The Irish is strong in this one, to paraphrase Darth Vader, and the long-suffering guilt of Catholicism steeps my DNA like a warm, insistent, soul-crushing lavage. Not that I'm complaining.
Or maybe I am. The phrase bucking for sainthood keeps coming to mind as I contemplate my current situation. From spontaneously agreeing to watch the neighbor's dog for the weekend to doing laundry for four adults (I volunteered) to redoing the dishes (not voluntary but necessary) to keeping the details of four lives in my head in order to organize a smoother existence (as much for me as for anyone), I sometimes wonder why I'm doing any of it. What if I didn't? What if I stopped?
I suspect it wouldn't make much difference, other than that the ensuing, low-level chaos would drive me crazy. So how can I be a saint to do it all if I'm really doing it for myself?
I'm not a saint. And I don't want to be a domestic engineer, either. I'm not even good at it--just have a look at the pile of cat hair collecting by the bookcase.
And I am tired of being called defensive; I am tired, too, of being the nag who insists people do what they know they ought to do. There are no children in my house.
I think I need to adjust my attitude... Trouble is, I don't know what sort of adjustment to make.
8.21.2009
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"the long-suffering guilt of Catholicism steeps my DNA like a warm, insistent, soul-crushing lavage. Not that I'm complaining."
And maybe not, for that's the gentlest description of a soul being crushed that I've come across.
"I sometimes wonder why I'm doing any of it."
It's all a bit insane, isn't it ? Just keeping everyday life straight...when someone asks me what's up, I know that the week has been busy, one thing to the next....but I'm often at a loss to remember what, specifically, I did during all those hours (and I don't do all the things you do). It's easy, I believe, to get lost in these sort of tasks because they're never-ending...there are *always* things to do. It only ends when we decide we have to do something else.
And I suppose we do it because there's a need for order. People decide things need to get done and there might be something comforting about the fact of setting things straight. At the same time, people often need to break out of life as they know it and do things that challenge them, that they're excited about...and it's hard to do that when you know you have to be back by 9 to change litterboxes. It's confining. And the scope seems wrong.
"And I don't want to be a domestic engineer, either. I'm not even good at it--just have a look at the pile of cat hair collecting by the bookcase."
As you now have SEVEN cats, this is a very poor way to measure your cleaning effectiveness.
It's so hard sometimes just to get through, take care of a million little things, and still be focused on what you want....
Thank you, Joseph -- I appreciate the empathy, and from what you said, you really do get it. That helps, believe me! :)
I understand how you're feeling, Bobbi!! My situation is eerily similar, but slightly different. Since my partner is away, I've been taking care of EVERYTHING and not doing any of it very well. Fortunately, there is only me and the cats in the house, but that does leave me with the answer to the "what if I didn't do it" question: it just wouldn't get done. So you know what I decided to do? Instead of beating my head against the wall trying to make myself change and become better at caring for the house and everything else, I decided to make myself NOT mind the mess and craziness. That was so much easier! I go home now and look around and see the mess. I acknowledge it. I wish it were different. And then I say "I'm doing the best I can" and go to my craft room and sew!
Take care of yourself!!
Thank you so much, Michelle -- I can't fully express how much that helped. And I'm going to try just acknowledging it and letting it go. I needed to hear somebody say that! You made my day:)
I have 3 kids, dog, and hubby in the house and feel that way most of the time! It's easy to get down when you're trying to get wads of doghair from around the chairs, floorboards, table (for the third time today.) Just remember to take time to do something you like to do, just for you. The house isn't going to fall if we leave the laundry for a day (although it's much harder to get of the pile tomorrow! :) I've really learned to compromise and learn what patience is- and know it's not my strongest trait...
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