How Can You Know What You Want 'Til You Get What You Want and You See If You Like It?

I am rarely affected by the Libran disease of indecision. Ask my husband: my decisiveness about just about everything occasionally goes so far as to irritate him. (Not often; my husband is sooooo laid back with me that I could probably murder someone, and he would find a way to justify it: "Well, they needed killin'." )

Just now, however, I find myself deadlocked on the question of graduate school. Do I invest the money (somewhere in the neighborhood of $40,000) and the time (1 year classroom work, 1 year practicum, graduation followed by another 1000 of supervision -- about 2 years -- before I can sit for my license)?

Fortunately, there is only one degree in which I am interested: U of R's M.S. in Marriage and Family Therapy. It's an incredible program that focuses hard on preparing its graduates to become good family therapists. It is the only graduate program I have been excited about -- with the possible exception of Univ. of Iowa's Writer's Workshop, but I was never going to live in Iowa, so I never applied.

But there are so many variables. If I get in -- and I'm aiming for Fall 2011 so that I can get things in order at home before matriculating -- I have way too many questions floating around in my head to make this an easy decision:

Is it fair to my family to burden us with more student loans?

What will it mean to my household to commit that kind of time to school, studying, working, etc.?

What will going back to school mean for our writing?

How will pursuing this degree affect my marriage?

What happens if my dad gets sick?

What if I don't like it?

Some of these questions seem silly to me even as I write them, but they keep coming up, so I know I have to answer them for myself somehow.

As for the writing... well, it's not going so well right now. I have hardly written anything in more than a month. Oh, I 've gotten a couple of paragraphs in Bride that I will likely keep, and I've been re-reading Veil and making minor tweaks to it. And I started something new called Max, but it's only 3 pages right now; I won't know if it will be viable until it's around 50 pages. So this grand dream of being paid for what I write is not working out all that great at the moment.

It's not that becoming a therapist would stop me from writing, not at all -- I cannot say it's an all-or-nothing proposition. If I could do that, I would know I shouldn't be a therapist because it is a distant second to my first love. But am I up to the challenge of trying for both?

I keep coming back to the question: Is it worth it?

I just don't know.